it will come, the healing

vestibular migraine recovery

Just take one step closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You'll get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You're gonna be ok...
You're stronger than you know.
​{song by Jenn Johnson}

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Sometimes I really just needed to let myself feel how this experience with a vestibular condition was shaping me.  I had to truly unleash all the emotions swirling around in my chest and acknowledge it. 

​I still feel like my heart is processing the last two and a half years.

If you had asked me how I was doing two years ago, I would have lied to you.  And not because I don't think you wouldn't care to know the truth, but because I didn't know mine.

I would have told you that all is well as I stood there disconnected from my own body, floating away, scared beyond words, mental fatigue sucking my mind, and an empty soul desperate to feel grounded. {I was unknowingly dealing with vestibular migraines}

I wouldn’t have been honest because I didn’t have the words to tell you how heartbreaking it all was.  That my world was incredible and full of so much beauty, but I couldn’t fully experience it because of what was consuming my every thought.  I wouldn't have mentioned that I was frightened that this hellish dimension was taking me.  My foundation wasn't on solid ground. 

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I remember saying out loud I'd rather lose my arm than go through this.  That's not a fair statement to say and I know that now, but in the throes of the vestibular hell I was angry...but that was really just a cover for the sadness.   And in the darkest moments the derealization was so intense I felt like I was losing my grip on reality.  What if I fall into the darkness?

​One of the things I encounter most when talking with other vestibular warriors is the feeling of desperation.  I know that feeling intimately.  I have a clear memory of the time that I was driving and I felt the anxiety spike.  That raging anxiety that warned me the vestibular storm was on its way.  I safely pulled over in a parking lot and got out of the car.  Sure enough my world was off kilter and I no longer was connected to the body that was apparently mine.  The tears starting falling as I tried to spatially gather my surroundings.  All I felt was overwhelming fear and desperation.  That's the dark part of that story.

The light is that I did gather myself even though I was rattled to my core.  I showed up that day like nothing had happened and I somehow made it through.  And because I did that, I looked that desperation in the eye.  The fear didn't disappear that day, but it also didn't define me.  So when people ask me about conquering that feeling of despair, I'm honest. 

​Feel it and acknowledge it, but figure out how to walk beside it.  Because the more you walk beside it, the more you'll realize it's actually slipping behind as you move forward. 

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If you are in the beginning or messy middle with a vestibular something and questioning if healing is possible, I'm here to argue that it is. 

I can't tell you what that looks like for you, but I believe to my core that it is completely possible.  Healing involves the mind, body, soul and everything in between.  If you feel broken right now, it's time to look at this as an opportunity to put the pieces - everything that makes up you - where you want them.

Vestibular conditions are complicated and our treatments may vary, but when it comes to healing the heartbreak and pain, I think we get each other completely.  I think so many of us can relate to one another on that bumpy trail.  We are simultaneously walking trails that are intertwined and when our paths cross, it's a sigh of relief that someone else is also out on the trail.

My heart tells me that I must share so that others on the trail know they are not alone.  

My mind imagines a movement of all of us taking back our wellness.

And my soul knows that we are meant to thrive in this beautiful life- with a vestibular something and beyond.

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Vestibular Warrior Resources // YouTube Videos [Vestibular Warrior] // Oils Routine for Vestibular Warriors // Contact Em