reflection + resilience- the last two years

As I reflect on the last two years, I’m filled with so much gratitude, which may seem to conflict with the fact that I’ve been battling a vestibular disorder (vestibular neuritis + vestibular migraines) every single moment of every single day. My reality was altered that Halloween two years ago when the words on my computer screen suddenly seemed to be moving (or my eyes stopped focusing) and I stood up only to feel like I was walking on a trampoline and not sure I really could even walk...frightened doesn’t nearly describe the feeling. And those first months were so ugly + beautiful.  Talk about survival mode. 

Moments of my loving husband placing our then 3 month old baby in my arms so I could nurse him...me praying to the universe that I’d come out of this hell...holding onto the wall as I walked trying to feel grounded...the constant feeling of being on a moving dock (which still makes my insides turn)...moments at the grocery store where I lost my sense of physical being, just barely keeping it all together...and the anxiety, the crippling anxiety that would bring me to my knees, tears flowing...

But today, I’m so thankful BECAUSE I DID IT and I’ll continue to fight forward every single day.  Because it’s taken every ounce of my being to come back from that.  Advocating for myself with so many doctors, gathering the facts, exploring everything I could take control of...healing foods, supplements, love + laughter with my beautiful boys, focusing on all THE GOOD, and eventually (1.5 years later) running again and embracing exercise because it’s a tool to strengthen my mind +body.

I’m sharing this because I never anticipated the last 2 years...and amongst the horror, there has been so much beauty...I’ve found myself, my strength, my resilience...and I know what I’m capable of. So whatever you’re going through, I hope you know it’s ok to cry and be really angry + sad, but then I want you to pick yourself up and look forward. 

Finding happiness in all the little things and looking towards the direction of where I am determined to go...I hold onto those moments so tight and I will never let them go.