life behind the window + shattering glass

For a solid 18 months, I felt like I was living behind and viewing life through a window.  This feeling was every moment of every day.  This is kind of a bizarre thing to describe, but I'll give it a valiant try.  Before I broke through the vestibular neuritis then vestibular migraine hold, I couldn't completely be present or quite experience or see life as it was.  My body wasn't allowing me to fully comprehend my surroundings.  I could see, but it always felt like I was looking through a window, and sometimes not a very clean one. 

In the beginning it was terrifying.  It's every moment and it's a really strong window.  I was banging on the window screaming out to the rest of the world and everyone was looking as if to say, "We see you.  You look perfectly fine".  But then I'd yell back, "What's with this window?!".  And the worlds was like, "What window are you talking about?". 

It started to sink in.

Just because the window was very real for me, it in no way meant that the rest of the world could see it.  If you have journeyed with a vestibular something, there's a good chance you get exactly what I'm saying. ​

Sometimes the window that I looked through would be super clean and I would almost think it wasn't there, but then out of nowhere the smudge would return and my heart would sink.  {that's my experience with vestibular migraines} I just had that thing cleaned, what the hell happened?!  This window stuff sounds sort of trippy, right?  Yeah, that's my vestibular stuff for you, only there's no party and no one is on the dance floor, and it's more like a bad dream that doesn't quit.

I learned to live life from behind this figurative window.  No one else could see it, so it was just a matter of building up my confidence that I could do everything I once did, but this time behind the window.  And in time, I did.  Everything I learned to do behind the window only empowered me on my journey to heal.  I went to work, was a nurturing and caring mother to two little boys, I cooked meals, just simply showed up, found the power in meditation and eventually even found myself by running the trails finding everything I felt I'd lost- all from behind the window.  

I created a beautiful life behind the window and developed a mindset that I could do anything even with my window.  That's when something magical happened.

I started to notice that the window was slightly open.  

I remember the first time I noticed the window was opening, I spent the afternoon dancing in my kitchen.  I'm not kidding.  What I felt was pure bliss.  I hadn't seen life without my window in 18 months, and I had started to forget what life looked like without it.

I didn't know whether to sob happy tears or scream, or tell everyone in a one-mile radius... so I just danced in my kitchen.  My soul was coming back to life.  Seeing the world again without the window set my soul on fire.  I couldn't believe how beautiful it all was.  Just typing this I have tears streaming down my face because the gratitude I feel just can't be contained.

In the beginning the window didn't stay open completely.  It would open and stormy days would blow it a bit closed, but then eventually my toolkit kept it open.  {and by that I mean everything that elevates my wellness each and every day}

Every day I stop to look at the world.  Longer than I ever did before.  Because with vestibular stuff there's a before and after.  And the after started out a thick smudgy window with lots of rainy days.  But over time- with persistence, putting self-care first, nourishing my body, finding a doctor who got it... I stepped through.  I soak in what this beautiful life looks like and I thank the universe for giving me the support to shatter my window.  These days I rarely have moments behind the window.  It happens here and there, and it again ignites a new sense of gratitude when I break through. 

If you're behind your window, I can step alongside you and point you towards the direction of hope.  I want you to know that you're not alone even though I know behind there it often feels so isolating.  I can only share what's helped me break my window.  By sharing, it heals the pieces of me that were wounded as I pounded that window with my fists every day and eventually found the hammer to finish the job.  By telling my story all the parts that were bruised as I stepped through the shattered glass are exposed.  

For a while I wanted to be all perfectly put together because I figured then the world would never know about my secret window.  But now I want to show the pieces of broken glass so others know that it's not an easy journey, but it's possible.

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{my full story with a vestibular condition // YouTube Channel // contact me here // Vestibular Warrior group on Facebook}