Dear Vestibular Warrior,

​I know there’s a part of me that you understand completely because you’ve been in the same all-consuming moments that come with vestibular stuff.  You’ve probably had moments where you felt so out of control of what was happening to your body, and that may have left you feeling entirely powerless. 

I hope that you’ve discovered that you are certainly not powerless.  You are magnificent and relentlessly fighting back.  I know this because just the fact that we're connecting means you care big time, and you’re striving to feel better... to feel like you.

The truth is that there's a lot of variety with vestibular conditions.  At the same time there's a string running through it all, so even if my experience isn't identical to yours, there's certainly a resemblance. 

Vestibular stuff disconnects us from the world in so many ways.  Sort of ironic because in the same sense, it's connected you and I. 

The more I talk with other vestibular warriors, the more I realize that so many of our stories have the same chapters:  trying to get a diagnosis, finding a doctor that gets it, handling the anxiety, coping with the fact that most people won't understand what it's like, figuring out what helps and what hurts, uncovering strength we didn't know existed, finding gratitude that only comes with climbing tough mountains... the list goes on.  

One of the first doctors I saw after the initial intense attack told me that I could feel like this for a month.  In that moment, that thought crushed me.  How could this last a month?  How would I get through...?  I laugh as I type this because what I didn't know then was that symptoms would be 24/7 for much longer than a month...it was close to 15 months before I truly touched "normalcy".  And I feel beyond lucky that I can say that.  I know that's not the reality for many.

I believe that gaining a soulful perspective on how I wanted to feel was my guiding light.  I know in the beginning it was "I want to feel how I used to".  But, over time that evolved into, I just want to feel grounded in this body that's fought like hell for me.  I didn't want to go back to before,  because I believe I became more "me" having gone through this experience.  I had walked an incredibly bumpy trail and gotten to the  other side of mountain... No way I was going back to the start. 

I eat foods that fuel and nourish my wellness and I believe in the power of food as medicine.  For me, that's a plant-based diet.  There was a period I even questioned my vegan diet- something I'd embraced 10 years earlier (read this post, if that interests you).  I use essential oils, which was a bit daunting when I was brand new to them, but quickly turned into something that helped me heal and support my body both emotionally and physically.  That's my supportive system, but certainly not the entire picture.

I know that putting my diet at the forefront and having a holistic support system was a huge step in a beautiful direction.  Like I was walking along the trail for days with rain pouring down and someone walked up next to me with an umbrella... and a  muffin.  That's why I share all I do-  I'm just passing out umbrellas and muffins on the trail.  You get me, right?

Hi out there!  How are you today?  I know you can't really answer, but I would love to hear from you.  
I made a decision this weekend.  My heart feels ready and my soul is just bursting to open up.  So, I'm going to share my journey with a vestibular condition - the full story (eventually, over several posts).  I want to put the twists and turns in writing, not only for myself, but for all the vestibular warriors out there.  And even if you aren't dealing with a vestibular "something", we all have life events that are monumental.  That shape us and we come out changed.  I'm sharing because it's been such a profound journey of getting to know, well, myself.  I want to put hope and inspiration out to the universe and to anyone who needs it, because that's what I so desperately needed 861 days ago when it all started. 

861 days ago as I sat on the couch in my family room barely able to keep me eyes focused without a concerted effort and the world floating beneath me, I needed someone to look me in my lost eyes and say:

This is going to be really, really hard and it's going to test you on every level.  There will be days that you'll get through just by focusing on the moments.  But, you will uncover true beauty in this life.  You will cry and have hopeless moments too, but you will get up after every fall, and you will get through this.  And then you will uncover all that makes up you, and you'll be thankful for this mountain that shifted your perspective and encouraged you to uncover your bliss.

And if that's what you needed to hear right now, I'm so glad that we've connected.   

​A part of me wishes I had been more open about it back when I was truly in the throes of it, but ultimately I know I wasn't ready... or able to.  I was so lost and scared as to what I could say.  I didn't want to admit to myself (yet) what was unfolding.  I had no answers as to what I was dealing with and barely knew what I'd feel like one moment to the next.  Google searches were more helpful than any doctor I'd talked to. 

​But, somewhere in the thick of it, I knew I'd relentlessly push forward.  I had no clue what that would look like, but my blind hope was all I could grasp onto.

[Note, I'm going to skim many details, only because I share my whole story: here.]

On October 31, 2016, I was hit with vestibular neuritis, which triggered a cycle of vestibular migraines with no relief in between- 24/7 symptoms. I had just returned to work earlier that month from maternity leave.  My boys were two and 3-months old.  There are so many details that blur together that first year, but that first week I remember so clearly.

Crawling around my house because walking was impossible.  If I did walk, I was holding the walls because spatially I was disconnected from myself. 

My husband gently placing our newborn in my arms so I could feed him.  I remember quietly sobbing as I fed him so thankful for his love and so sad because in many ways I felt like I was missing out.

Seeing multiple doctors and trying to make it clear what had happened and how I felt.  And I remember being angry with the world when I realized that no doctor was going to fix me, or even understand my situation.    

I remember being incredibly scared and without answers.

I looked at my two boys and husband, who of course could not understand how terrible I felt, how disconnected I was from the body I was sitting in, and how disorienting the world was around me.  The honest truth is unless you've experienced a vestibular something, you can't truly understand it.  And I'm glad for that, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

861 days ago was a beautiful time in my life that became bombarded with really tough stuff.  It was actually sort of a bizarre experience going back through my phone this weekend searching for photos from that time period 2+ years ago, mainly because I didn't really want to see what I looked like.  Although I didn't find many photos of myself from that time, most of the ones I did were of me smiling.  Smiling?  That surprised me.  Vestibular stuff often feels very dreamlike and in my worst moments I wondered if by some miracle I was dreaming and would wake up from this nightmare.  

I look at this picture (below) of my youngest and I, which I took a few months in, and I'm reminded how much love and goodness I had looking me in the eyes and saying: you CAN do this and you WILL do this.  I had gone to the hairdresser to get my hair highlighted believing that if I looked put together on the outside, maybe the rest of me would catch up... in time.

One of the biggest factors with vestibular conditions is that they are invisible to the world. 

I could be standing in the grocery store barely handling the blaring lights, feeling like I was swaying on a moving dock to the waves, my eyes working overtime to make the world stay in place, and full body anxiety coursing like fire to my system, and the lady behind me could compliment me on how put-together I looked with my two little boys.  In moments like that I could only smile back, but later cry in the shower because keeping up a façade of "I'm totally ok" is exhausting and soul crushing.

But, pretending I was ok long before I truly was also saved me in a really big way.  More on that in a future post...

As I recount these details, I'm bursting with gratitude at the progress I've made over the last 861 days.  Yesterday was a 99.9% better day.  Let's just call it a 100 because why not?  One hundred percent feeling-amazing-day and mind + body bliss.  And I have lots of those kind of days... now.  Most, actually.  

I was at the library with my husband and boys and they were playing on the computers.  I stepped away for a moment and stood in the middle of the kids section just taking in my world,  how beautifully steady it was and how the sun shining through the windows felt freaking fantastic.  My husband looked over and laughed understanding what I was doing.  He's well aware of my stopping to take in my settings and how I'm feeling.  There was certainly a time when I never paused to truly take in my surroundings because how it felt was beyond awful, and I couldn't emotionally go there. 

​There's a lot for me to share on what got me to this point from 861 days ago, and I promise I will.  I will pour out my heart and soul and together we will elevate our wellness.

I believe that we can heal from the inside out.  It's not instantaneous by any stretch and it takes patience and time.  It doesn't necessary mean we're exactly the same as we once were.  But healing from the inside out is empowering and lifechanging.  What if we shifted our perspective and looked just at how we've progressed? 

I'm a huge believer in holistic wellness and a plant-based diet.  I also believe that western medicine is a beautiful thing when used appropriately, and finding a doctor that finally understood my situation (18 months in by the way) was a wonderful thing.

861 days ago was the fresh start I didn't know would happen.  And I certainly had no idea I'd be grateful for it.

Wherever this post finds you, whether it's top of the mountain or at the bottom looking up, let's come together and help each other climb.

I'm just getting started.  I'll be back soon!

​Em :)

{p.s. I created a new Instagram account where I'll be share all things vestibular stuff, from healing, food, supplements, holistic support, mindset... & beyond.  I'd love to connect!}

I haven’t figured you out completely.  Most days I feel pretty spectacular, but you still make an appearance.  Last week you showed up and really scared me.  I surprised myself with how quickly I recovered from your attack, but you rattled me to the core.  

It’s strange because I hate you, but you also changed my life in a beautiful way.  Battling a chronic invisible condition leaves its mark.  I’ve grown in ways that I’m so proud of and I have become ‘more me’ through the process.  You inspired me to help other people also dealing with you and figuring out life with a vestibular something.  I thank you for that.  The more of us that root for each other, advocate for one another and share our experiences, the more that will overcome you.  You’ll be a memory of what we rose above.  The mountain we climbed to see the magnificent view.  

I’m a Vestibular Warrior and you get some credit for that.  You’re a part of my story, but you’re not my whole story.  I like to think of you as my fresh beginning.  Really rocky start (thanks to you), but I’ll be the one journeying somewhere much more beautiful. 

From, 
a Vestibular Warrior

Heyyy!

I'm currently in the process of writing the Bliss Out Guide, and I want to share some of it through blog posts because it feels like the right way to delivery all that's on my heart.  I'm also finding writing again to feel so damn good.  I've missed it and I'm completely reminded why I used to blog.

Right now I'm in the middle of the chapter on mindset + feelings, so it should be no surprise that I'm letting emotion flow and reflecting on my desired feelings.  Because that's what it's all about for me.  Living in the a way that's true to how I want to feel.  

I start the chapter with what I think is one of the most important questions we could ever ask ourselves: 

If you had asked me that question 10 years ago, I would have told you that I wasn’t sure on any specifics, but I just hoped I was happy.  Honestly, if you asked me that question 20 years ago, I probably would have told you the same thing.  Happiness has always been my focus and driving force.  I’ve never truly felt that happiness came from material items.  Yes, I get excited about a new outfit, fresh makeup, books… but that deep routed happiness that sits in my heart and emanates from my soul, that certainly can’t be bought.  It has to be uncovered (and rediscovered) and built from within, and in my experience, involves conquering some bumpy roads along the way. 

If you asked me today what I want out of this life, I’d still tell you that I just want to be happy, but I would also boldly state that I want my health.  I used to take my health for granted.  Sometimes it takes the heartbreaking lesson of losing something (or feeling like it's lost), to know how much it means to you.  Also, it points out just how much everything else is dependent upon what feels lost.  It’s a painful lesson that leaves its mark. 

In the fall of 2016, I was hit with a vestibular condition (vestibular neuritis + vestibular migraines), and all it did was take.

It took away the security of living in my own body. 

It took away my sense of feeling grounded to the world I was living in. 

And it took away some happiness. 

However, it also presented me with a few surprising gifts. 

It offered me a shiny new perspective on my life. 

It gave me the opportunity to reevaluate how I would approach my health + wellbeing for the rest of my life.

And it sharpened my view of how precious this life is and how the moments were to be cherished.

I will continue to strive to uncover all that brings me happiness in my soul, and along the way, I will take a holistic approach to my health.  I will put my self-care routine as a top priority and open my heart, sharing + connecting with others doing the same thing.

From there, it's just the beauty of the journey.  Let's see where it takes us, but keep our driving force close, so that when we hit an unexpected turn, we'll still have our guiding light.

xoxo,
​Em

{If you're new around this space, here's a bit more about me}

Hey hey!

How are you? 

I'm back to talk about a topic that I think needs to be screamed from the mountain tops:  creating your reality.  Too dramatic?  Ok, but the thing is I feel like I was sucked deep into a big life thing (in my case a vestibular disorder) and then found the dim light that was shining at the other end of the tunnel and followed it for a long (long) while, through twists and turns, just trying to fight my way out, and eventually breaking through.  During the period of reflecting on that journey, all I could think about was getting super intentional with the life I craved.  

I think that when you're dealing with a chronic health thing, or a big life event, or anything that sucks up all your energy, it's easy to lose sight of the big picture.  Let's be honest, when I was in the middle of an intense vestibular migraine attack, feeling detached from the world, grasping for reality, I wasn't contemplating my life goals.  I was just plotting getting through the rest of the day.​

It got to the point where I just had to stop worrying about what I could not control.  I shifted all of my energy to what I could create.

Focusing on what I could shift in my world changed everything. 

It shifted my mindset of my vestibular condition and everything I was capable of.  

​Let me break it down:

Shift heartbreaking vestibular disorder to empowering life event.

Shift the thought of how much time I'd lost to all the time I'd gain in the future having gone through this battle and overflowing with gratitude for the present moment.

Shift feeling destroyed and ungrounded to taking back my wellness one day at a time.

Passion is energy and I have become incredibly passionate about advocating for and inspiring others (myself included) going through a chronic health thing, because I do not think anyone gets through this human experience unscathed.  I have been broken, so I was going to do more than just put together the pieces and find myself, I was going to create myself.

Lofty concept, but my point is that we can create our reality.  Yes, it may take making changes in our lives and getting uncomfortable and feeling all the emotions that come with change, but that's the beauty of it.  You create your life from the inside out.  

I hope you're still with me, because this is where I tell you why I created Bliss Out, why I spent countless hours writing Vestibular Warrior, and why I will continue to pour my heart into this space.

I'm designing what I want to see in the world.  A hub to elevate our wellness.  A starting point for soul work.  A place to get vulnerable, grow, and create routines to level up our wellbeing and how we navigate this life.

Thank you for stopping by this little space in the universe.

xoxo,
Em  

{for my full story with a vestibular condition + guide to thrive, visit here}

Creating this space was something on my mind continuously during my fight with a vestibular disorder.  I was (and continue to be) on a journey of taking a holistic approach to heal, support + nourish my body.  I knew I wanted to share my experience with others because battling a vestibular disorder is heartbreaking on so many levels, and I don’t think anyone gets through the human-experience unscathed. In an instant I lost myself, only I looked the same on the outside- the world couldn’t see it (a blessing + a curse), but on the inside I was, simple put, broken. 

I built new-found confidence, strengthened my mind + body, and learned the true magnificence of this life.  I was able to bring this guide to fruition in the months when I once again felt grounded- my version of recovered and bursting with gratitude for the progress I’d made.  The battle opened my soul until all that was left was me- raw, real and honest.  My hope is that through sharing my routines, natural toolkit, and mindset that gave me the relentless drive to push forward and thrive in this beautiful life, that it will help others and inspire a movement to live in a way that the genuine you gets to shine bright with a gratified soul aka bliss out.   

I dedicate this space to all the other vestibular warriors out there.  You are all incredible superhumans in my mind.

The only thing I knew when going through the hellish periods of a vestibular disorder was that I would push through because this experience was shaping me for all that I was meant to do in this life, and maintaining that perspective took work every day.​

But, it turns out, that experience was the fuel for this space, so thank you universe.

I started this book called The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck (A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life)…and I’m already hooked. It’s not about being indifferent and not caring about anything- it’s quite the opposite actually. It’s not putting energy in all the wrong places (whatever that means to you). For me that means that perfect image of life, perfect house, perfect job, perfect social media account… it all goes out the window.  Not any place I want to give energy.
​
This last 19 months of dealing with a vestibular dysfunction has broken me…but actually I’m not so broken, I’m more remolded into…me. And I have tunnel vision looking at only what matters to me in this life.

“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experiences is itself a positive experience.” Damn, that’s brilliant. It’s everything I’ve learned as I heal each and every day.

Regardless of what you’re going through (and if it is a vestibular dysfunction, man I feel for you), imagine if you didn’t compare it to someone else’s life, someone else’s social media feed, or your own perception of how your life should look.

What if you just looked at your life and thought, well awesome… let’s ride through this beautiful storm and smile as the sun comes out.

Other news:  Last night I read the Migraine Relief Plan and I’m diving in deep.  The author totally gets it when it comes to vestibular symptoms and while I’ve been following a very clean diet, there are certainly foods I love that could be triggers (heyyy avocados + nuts, my bffs), so we’ll see how cutting them out goes.  I truly believe I was hit with vestibular neuritis and now I’m dealing with vestibular migraines and/or cervicogenic headache/dizziness.  And two years ago I had no idea what any of this was, so there ya go!  I plan to keep sharing as it’s therapeutic for me, but I want others to know that life goes on even with a vestibular dysfunction (and there’s happiness and joy as well, promise).

For other posts on my vestibular disorder, visit here.

So, how are you?