I remember saying out loud I'd rather lose my arm than go through this.  That's not a fair statement to say and I know that now, but in the throes of the vestibular hell I was angry...but that was really just a cover for the sadness.   And in the darkest moments the derealization was so intense I felt like I was losing my grip on reality.  What if I fall into the darkness?

​One of the things I encounter most when talking with other vestibular warriors is the feeling of desperation.  I know that feeling intimately.  I have a clear memory of the time that I was driving and I felt the anxiety spike.  That raging anxiety that warned me the vestibular storm was on its way.  I safely pulled over in a parking lot and got out of the car.  Sure enough my world was off kilter and I no longer was connected to the body that was apparently mine.  The tears starting falling as I tried to spatially gather my surroundings.  All I felt was overwhelming fear and desperation.  That's the dark part of that story.

The light is that I did gather myself even though I was rattled to my core.  I showed up that day like nothing had happened and I somehow made it through.  And because I did that, I looked that desperation in the eye.  The fear didn't disappear that day, but it also didn't define me.  So when people ask me about conquering that feeling of despair, I'm honest. 

​Feel it and acknowledge it, but figure out how to walk beside it.  Because the more you walk beside it, the more you'll realize it's actually slipping behind as you move forward. 

If you are in the beginning or messy middle with a vestibular something and questioning if healing is possible, I'm here to argue that it is. 

I can't tell you what that looks like for you, but I believe to my core that it is completely possible.  Healing involves the mind, body, soul and everything in between.  If you feel broken right now, it's time to look at this as an opportunity to put the pieces - everything that makes up you - where you want them.

Vestibular conditions are complicated and our treatments may vary, but when it comes to healing the heartbreak and pain, I think we get each other completely.  I think so many of us can relate to one another on that bumpy trail.  We are simultaneously walking trails that are intertwined and when our paths cross, it's a sigh of relief that someone else is also out on the trail.

My heart tells me that I must share so that others on the trail know they are not alone.  

My mind imagines a movement of all of us taking back our wellness.

And my soul knows that we are meant to thrive in this beautiful life- with a vestibular something and beyond.

Vestibular Warrior Resources // YouTube Videos [Vestibular Warrior] // Oils Routine for Vestibular Warriors // Contact Em

Hi out there!  How are you today?  I know you can't really answer, but I would love to hear from you.  
I made a decision this weekend.  My heart feels ready and my soul is just bursting to open up.  So, I'm going to share my journey with a vestibular condition - the full story (eventually, over several posts).  I want to put the twists and turns in writing, not only for myself, but for all the vestibular warriors out there.  And even if you aren't dealing with a vestibular "something", we all have life events that are monumental.  That shape us and we come out changed.  I'm sharing because it's been such a profound journey of getting to know, well, myself.  I want to put hope and inspiration out to the universe and to anyone who needs it, because that's what I so desperately needed 861 days ago when it all started. 

861 days ago as I sat on the couch in my family room barely able to keep me eyes focused without a concerted effort and the world floating beneath me, I needed someone to look me in my lost eyes and say:

This is going to be really, really hard and it's going to test you on every level.  There will be days that you'll get through just by focusing on the moments.  But, you will uncover true beauty in this life.  You will cry and have hopeless moments too, but you will get up after every fall, and you will get through this.  And then you will uncover all that makes up you, and you'll be thankful for this mountain that shifted your perspective and encouraged you to uncover your bliss.

And if that's what you needed to hear right now, I'm so glad that we've connected.   

​A part of me wishes I had been more open about it back when I was truly in the throes of it, but ultimately I know I wasn't ready... or able to.  I was so lost and scared as to what I could say.  I didn't want to admit to myself (yet) what was unfolding.  I had no answers as to what I was dealing with and barely knew what I'd feel like one moment to the next.  Google searches were more helpful than any doctor I'd talked to. 

​But, somewhere in the thick of it, I knew I'd relentlessly push forward.  I had no clue what that would look like, but my blind hope was all I could grasp onto.

[Note, I'm going to skim many details, only because I share my whole story: here.]

On October 31, 2016, I was hit with vestibular neuritis, which triggered a cycle of vestibular migraines with no relief in between- 24/7 symptoms. I had just returned to work earlier that month from maternity leave.  My boys were two and 3-months old.  There are so many details that blur together that first year, but that first week I remember so clearly.

Crawling around my house because walking was impossible.  If I did walk, I was holding the walls because spatially I was disconnected from myself. 

My husband gently placing our newborn in my arms so I could feed him.  I remember quietly sobbing as I fed him so thankful for his love and so sad because in many ways I felt like I was missing out.

Seeing multiple doctors and trying to make it clear what had happened and how I felt.  And I remember being angry with the world when I realized that no doctor was going to fix me, or even understand my situation.    

I remember being incredibly scared and without answers.

I looked at my two boys and husband, who of course could not understand how terrible I felt, how disconnected I was from the body I was sitting in, and how disorienting the world was around me.  The honest truth is unless you've experienced a vestibular something, you can't truly understand it.  And I'm glad for that, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

861 days ago was a beautiful time in my life that became bombarded with really tough stuff.  It was actually sort of a bizarre experience going back through my phone this weekend searching for photos from that time period 2+ years ago, mainly because I didn't really want to see what I looked like.  Although I didn't find many photos of myself from that time, most of the ones I did were of me smiling.  Smiling?  That surprised me.  Vestibular stuff often feels very dreamlike and in my worst moments I wondered if by some miracle I was dreaming and would wake up from this nightmare.  

I look at this picture (below) of my youngest and I, which I took a few months in, and I'm reminded how much love and goodness I had looking me in the eyes and saying: you CAN do this and you WILL do this.  I had gone to the hairdresser to get my hair highlighted believing that if I looked put together on the outside, maybe the rest of me would catch up... in time.

One of the biggest factors with vestibular conditions is that they are invisible to the world. 

I could be standing in the grocery store barely handling the blaring lights, feeling like I was swaying on a moving dock to the waves, my eyes working overtime to make the world stay in place, and full body anxiety coursing like fire to my system, and the lady behind me could compliment me on how put-together I looked with my two little boys.  In moments like that I could only smile back, but later cry in the shower because keeping up a façade of "I'm totally ok" is exhausting and soul crushing.

But, pretending I was ok long before I truly was also saved me in a really big way.  More on that in a future post...

As I recount these details, I'm bursting with gratitude at the progress I've made over the last 861 days.  Yesterday was a 99.9% better day.  Let's just call it a 100 because why not?  One hundred percent feeling-amazing-day and mind + body bliss.  And I have lots of those kind of days... now.  Most, actually.  

I was at the library with my husband and boys and they were playing on the computers.  I stepped away for a moment and stood in the middle of the kids section just taking in my world,  how beautifully steady it was and how the sun shining through the windows felt freaking fantastic.  My husband looked over and laughed understanding what I was doing.  He's well aware of my stopping to take in my settings and how I'm feeling.  There was certainly a time when I never paused to truly take in my surroundings because how it felt was beyond awful, and I couldn't emotionally go there. 

​There's a lot for me to share on what got me to this point from 861 days ago, and I promise I will.  I will pour out my heart and soul and together we will elevate our wellness.

I believe that we can heal from the inside out.  It's not instantaneous by any stretch and it takes patience and time.  It doesn't necessary mean we're exactly the same as we once were.  But healing from the inside out is empowering and lifechanging.  What if we shifted our perspective and looked just at how we've progressed? 

I'm a huge believer in holistic wellness and a plant-based diet.  I also believe that western medicine is a beautiful thing when used appropriately, and finding a doctor that finally understood my situation (18 months in by the way) was a wonderful thing.

861 days ago was the fresh start I didn't know would happen.  And I certainly had no idea I'd be grateful for it.

Wherever this post finds you, whether it's top of the mountain or at the bottom looking up, let's come together and help each other climb.

I'm just getting started.  I'll be back soon!

​Em :)

{p.s. I created a new Instagram account where I'll be share all things vestibular stuff, from healing, food, supplements, holistic support, mindset... & beyond.  I'd love to connect!}

I haven’t figured you out completely.  Most days I feel pretty spectacular, but you still make an appearance.  Last week you showed up and really scared me.  I surprised myself with how quickly I recovered from your attack, but you rattled me to the core.  

It’s strange because I hate you, but you also changed my life in a beautiful way.  Battling a chronic invisible condition leaves its mark.  I’ve grown in ways that I’m so proud of and I have become ‘more me’ through the process.  You inspired me to help other people also dealing with you and figuring out life with a vestibular something.  I thank you for that.  The more of us that root for each other, advocate for one another and share our experiences, the more that will overcome you.  You’ll be a memory of what we rose above.  The mountain we climbed to see the magnificent view.  

I’m a Vestibular Warrior and you get some credit for that.  You’re a part of my story, but you’re not my whole story.  I like to think of you as my fresh beginning.  Really rocky start (thanks to you), but I’ll be the one journeying somewhere much more beautiful. 

From, 
a Vestibular Warrior

Heyyy!

I'm currently in the process of writing the Bliss Out Guide, and I want to share some of it through blog posts because it feels like the right way to delivery all that's on my heart.  I'm also finding writing again to feel so damn good.  I've missed it and I'm completely reminded why I used to blog.

Right now I'm in the middle of the chapter on mindset + feelings, so it should be no surprise that I'm letting emotion flow and reflecting on my desired feelings.  Because that's what it's all about for me.  Living in the a way that's true to how I want to feel.  

I start the chapter with what I think is one of the most important questions we could ever ask ourselves: 

If you had asked me that question 10 years ago, I would have told you that I wasn’t sure on any specifics, but I just hoped I was happy.  Honestly, if you asked me that question 20 years ago, I probably would have told you the same thing.  Happiness has always been my focus and driving force.  I’ve never truly felt that happiness came from material items.  Yes, I get excited about a new outfit, fresh makeup, books… but that deep routed happiness that sits in my heart and emanates from my soul, that certainly can’t be bought.  It has to be uncovered (and rediscovered) and built from within, and in my experience, involves conquering some bumpy roads along the way. 

If you asked me today what I want out of this life, I’d still tell you that I just want to be happy, but I would also boldly state that I want my health.  I used to take my health for granted.  Sometimes it takes the heartbreaking lesson of losing something (or feeling like it's lost), to know how much it means to you.  Also, it points out just how much everything else is dependent upon what feels lost.  It’s a painful lesson that leaves its mark. 

In the fall of 2016, I was hit with a vestibular condition (vestibular neuritis + vestibular migraines), and all it did was take.

It took away the security of living in my own body. 

It took away my sense of feeling grounded to the world I was living in. 

And it took away some happiness. 

However, it also presented me with a few surprising gifts. 

It offered me a shiny new perspective on my life. 

It gave me the opportunity to reevaluate how I would approach my health + wellbeing for the rest of my life.

And it sharpened my view of how precious this life is and how the moments were to be cherished.

I will continue to strive to uncover all that brings me happiness in my soul, and along the way, I will take a holistic approach to my health.  I will put my self-care routine as a top priority and open my heart, sharing + connecting with others doing the same thing.

From there, it's just the beauty of the journey.  Let's see where it takes us, but keep our driving force close, so that when we hit an unexpected turn, we'll still have our guiding light.

xoxo,
​Em

{If you're new around this space, here's a bit more about me}

The most common question I get asked when it comes to my vestibular disorder is: how do you get through it? 
​
I can assure you that confidence does not happen overnight. 

I had to get incredibly uncomfortable every moment of every day for days, weeks and months to uncover a whole lot of courage and determination.  It started by showing up in my life again, but this time with a vestibular disorder.  My youngest child was three months old and my older son was two years old when the vestibular stuff hit.  They needed me.  I still was up half the night to feed my baby, and to be honest it’s all a crazy blur.  I was getting by only by focusing on life moment-to-moment.  I relentlessly moved through each day regardless of how I felt and fighting every moment somehow knowing I could do it no matter what. 

My simple answer is:   I showed up.

I had to hit the true edge of my comfort zone, to then find confidence while sitting in that feeling. 

When I felt like I was standing on a moving dock 24/7 for months on end, I showed up.  I went to work and the grocery store and everywhere and it all felt awful.  Nowhere provided relief so I figured going through the motions was worth a shot.

When the anxiety was coursing through my body like fire, I showed up.

When I felt off kilter and completely detached from the world, I showed up.

That’s the blessing part of an invisible disorder…I could show up because on the outside I was still the same person.

I remember standing in line at the grocery store experiencing so many symptoms, the lights driving me crazy, feeling like I was floating, taking steps like I was on a trampoline, and wondering if anyone else felt like I did in that moment.  What I learned was that I am not alone and that provided me with comfort in the darker moments. 

​Showing up was half the battle, but from doing it over and over (and over) again, it got easier.  I learned to trust my body and that even when I was being overcome with symptoms, I could still push through.  But it took repetitive practice for months until, one day, I was the one in control again.  I was out in the world, living life once again, but with a vestibular disorder.

My mindset towards my vestibular disorder was one of the strongest elements that I had going for me.  I’m not bragging as I’m sure you understand that vestibular stuff has the ability to make you feel powerless, so I was grasping for whatever I could hang onto.  I was in pure ‘survival mode’.  I wouldn’t have left my house if it wasn’t for the persistent determination to be a part of life.  That doesn’t mean that I didn’t have terrible days, because the symptoms were dreadful for a long while. 

But, my mindset carried me through those difficult moments and forced me to look beyond the hell I was drowning in.  I was always working to stay afloat and to do that I had to fight every moment.  It’s exhausting, right?  It weighed on my heart + soul so heavily, but I’m telling you that my mindset had power over that weight.  

I’m going to let you into my mind, because then you can experience what carried me through the darkness and out of the tunnel:

This vestibular ‘stuff’ does not define me.  It is a part of me, but it is certainly not all of me.  I am in the driver’s seat.  I will see beyond these all-consuming symptoms.  There is life beyond these symptoms.  Fear will not dominate me.  I will crush that fear with my hope, resilience and everything beautiful that makes up me, and I will keep showing up.  I will show up every single day until every moment isn’t so challenging.  I will cry and breakdown and then I will get up, every time.  This disorder is just a part of my life, but it is not own all of my life.
​
I can heal, nourish + elevate my mind + body. 

I will heal, and this disorder is shaping me for all I’m meant to do in this life.

I encourage you evaluate how your perspective is either hurting or healing you. 

Start living now, not when you’re through this disorder.  I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be completely through it, but I refuse to miss an opportunity to start fresh and live authentically as me, with a vestibular disorder, with happiness, with tough days, with really hard moments, with hope, with excitement, with happiness, and with an enthusiasm to see how I grow. 

If I let this disorder take me down, then it would be me saying ‘no’ to the opportunity of a lifetime.  I’m going to enjoy life with this disorder if it takes everything out of me because otherwise I’m missing out. 

xoxo,
​Em

{for my full story, watch my video here and visit here and here; contact me here.

Creating this space was something on my mind continuously during my fight with a vestibular disorder.  I was (and continue to be) on a journey of taking a holistic approach to heal, support + nourish my body.  I knew I wanted to share my experience with others because battling a vestibular disorder is heartbreaking on so many levels, and I don’t think anyone gets through the human-experience unscathed. In an instant I lost myself, only I looked the same on the outside- the world couldn’t see it (a blessing + a curse), but on the inside I was, simple put, broken. 

I built new-found confidence, strengthened my mind + body, and learned the true magnificence of this life.  I was able to bring this guide to fruition in the months when I once again felt grounded- my version of recovered and bursting with gratitude for the progress I’d made.  The battle opened my soul until all that was left was me- raw, real and honest.  My hope is that through sharing my routines, natural toolkit, and mindset that gave me the relentless drive to push forward and thrive in this beautiful life, that it will help others and inspire a movement to live in a way that the genuine you gets to shine bright with a gratified soul aka bliss out.   

I dedicate this space to all the other vestibular warriors out there.  You are all incredible superhumans in my mind.

The only thing I knew when going through the hellish periods of a vestibular disorder was that I would push through because this experience was shaping me for all that I was meant to do in this life, and maintaining that perspective took work every day.​

But, it turns out, that experience was the fuel for this space, so thank you universe.

I started this book called The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck (A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life)…and I’m already hooked. It’s not about being indifferent and not caring about anything- it’s quite the opposite actually. It’s not putting energy in all the wrong places (whatever that means to you). For me that means that perfect image of life, perfect house, perfect job, perfect social media account… it all goes out the window.  Not any place I want to give energy.
​
This last 19 months of dealing with a vestibular dysfunction has broken me…but actually I’m not so broken, I’m more remolded into…me. And I have tunnel vision looking at only what matters to me in this life.

“The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experiences is itself a positive experience.” Damn, that’s brilliant. It’s everything I’ve learned as I heal each and every day.

Regardless of what you’re going through (and if it is a vestibular dysfunction, man I feel for you), imagine if you didn’t compare it to someone else’s life, someone else’s social media feed, or your own perception of how your life should look.

What if you just looked at your life and thought, well awesome… let’s ride through this beautiful storm and smile as the sun comes out.

Other news:  Last night I read the Migraine Relief Plan and I’m diving in deep.  The author totally gets it when it comes to vestibular symptoms and while I’ve been following a very clean diet, there are certainly foods I love that could be triggers (heyyy avocados + nuts, my bffs), so we’ll see how cutting them out goes.  I truly believe I was hit with vestibular neuritis and now I’m dealing with vestibular migraines and/or cervicogenic headache/dizziness.  And two years ago I had no idea what any of this was, so there ya go!  I plan to keep sharing as it’s therapeutic for me, but I want others to know that life goes on even with a vestibular dysfunction (and there’s happiness and joy as well, promise).

For other posts on my vestibular disorder, visit here.

So, how are you?

Hi everyone!
​
I wanted to share a beautiful milestone I had over the weekend. See those trees and that absolute beauty of a scene?

I ran and ENJOYED being out there.  It was a really happy moment for me because a year ago my eyes wouldn’t have been able to focus on trees.  I felt disconnected from my body, stumbling through this thing, and sinking in anxiety…and I wouldn’t have dreamed of running that stretch.

I’m 19 months in with my vestibular disorder and the last week has been the best since it all hit.  By that I mean that my symptoms were so minimal that I almost didn’t notice them, running on adrenaline, and just ecstatic to experience the world “normally” again.  I felt 95% better (which I know means nothing to most, as of course we’re all different with what it means to feel good). I’m well aware that my symptoms can change moment to moment, and a week from now I could be in a worse place, but that’s ok. I’ve gotten this far and I’ll continue to fight forward.

When it all hit suddenly at the end of 2016…vertigo and then I was left with a world of horrible symptoms that I knew nothing about, connecting with others provided insight, hope and relief. I wasn’t alone!

Each day I work to move forward, with the most important piece being that I’m living.

Life is not on hold.

I started doing yoga and other workouts again in March and plan to slowly find my way back on the trails running that I love so much. I eat healthy (plant-based diet and recently cut out sugar, but that’s another post), work with a holistic doctor, go to work, and I’m a mom of young children (my two amazing boys). Over the last 19 months living has sometimes meant just going through the motions, but over time that changed to enjoying this beautiful life again.

If you’re going through something, keep going, ok? If it’s consuming every second of your life, spend a few minutes thinking about it, cry if you need to, but then move forward. It’s easier said than done, believe me, I know.  But it has made such a difference in my life.  I never could have predicted how a vestibular dysfunction would change my world, but I’m more me from going through this experience than I’ve ever been and I’m excited to keep running forward.

I hope you all find something to smile about today!
​
How are you?

{note: For any of you that may suffer from vestibular neuritis, vestibular migraines, or some sort of vestibular disorder, please know there is help out there.  You can always message me and I’d be happy to guide you to resources and talk to you about what has helped me.}